Universal Truths

It’s a heavy responsibility, being a blogger. You have millions (approximately) of readers looking to you for wisdom to guide their lives every day. This kind of pressure could crack many a man, but fortunately, I drink.

Anyway, here, in what hopefully will be a continuing feature, is a set of Universal Truths. These are things you can always rely on. Trust me, I’ve learned from experience.

1. People never change. While someone achieving an epiphany and turning their life around is a quintessential American story, it is unfortunately a myth, as people always remain exactly who they are. The junkie pimp who got religion and became a preacher? Underneath, he’s the same person with a new scam to exploit. People may seem different on the surface, but their core is set at an early age. So, parents, if your 11-year-old is a selfish jerk, and you’re always saying “He’ll grow out of it”, sorry. Your little snowflake will still be a jerk at fifty.

2. Anyone named Elbert is batshit crazy. Although Elbert is not a common name, I have known or met half a dozen of them in my lifetime, and they’ve always been stark raving loons. So, if you encounter an Elbert, beware.

3. From a teenage prank, I learned to always test fuses. Right before the explosion is not the time to discover the fuse burns faster than you would have believed possible. And no one looks good without eyebrows.

4. When you form a band, it is relevant to discover just how much glue the lead singer huffed in high school. In one of my bands, I had the following conversation with the lead singer every single performance.

Gluepot: What’s the name of that song we always do by Thin Lizzy, the song about a cowboy?

Me: It’s called “Cowboy Song”

Gluepot: Oh, yeah.

Every single time.

5. Some things are not meant to be understood by mortal men. I’m referring, of course, to the continued popularity of Will Ferrell, who plays the same unfunny character (a moronic man-child) in every movie. This also applies to Adam Sandler and Will Ferrell.

So there they are, the first five Universal Truths. I hope you will use them to make your life a better one.

NP: Roy Buchanon, “Short Fuse”